Frustrated…but determined.

Monday, March 7, 2022

Today is Monday. The Monday that I got on the scale after trying hard for 2 weeks. The Monday that is technically a month after I’m been trying to lose weight since my rheumatologist told me I am extremely obese. I don’t know where I REALLY started weight-wise a month ago. I wasn’t physically able get on the scale then because it was too close after having my bunion surgery. So I’m going off of my weight after 2 weeks of trying. I really wanted to see 2 lbs down (I don’t think asking for 1 lb a week is much!). I would have been so happy to see more and was kind of even expecting it because I was really pretty good! (no snacks at night, ice cream after dinner once a week instead of every night, no dessert after lunch when it had been a daily thing, adding in arm weights every other day, adding in rowing this past week).

But nope…I was HIGHLY disappointed with the scale. ONE POUND. ONE MEASLY POUND. After busting butt for 2 weeks. SO FRUSTRATING.

But I’m not going to give up. I may be frustrated and mad, but I am determined. I know I looked and felt better when I weighed less and I know I will get there…even if it takes me a LONG time.

I think the other frustration I have is that I don’t feel like I OVEREAT excessively. So that makes it frustrating to not lose the weight. And I HAVE tried the Intuitive Eating and of course that got me back up to this current weight. See the frustration??!!

Okay…enough whining. Now for the determination and ACTION.

What will I do different this week?

…Increase my water consumption to 14 cups/day.

…Follow Dark Horse you tube videos for my rowing to build up time/endurance

But for tonight…pizza 🙂

Here again…

Saturday, March 5, 2022

It’s been a LONG time since I wrote anything that eventually ended up in the internet atmosphere… to be read by pretty much no one. But sometimes you need to write the words, to be able to think through the jumble that is in your mind.

I’m not sure what this space will consist of yet. Usually I would want to KNOW all that before even starting the first line. But I’m trying to embrace the not knowing, the feeling of unease that comes with that, trying to find joy in the discovering.

So hi again, welcome to my little space…my words, my thoughts, my pics. It’s nice knowing that I can be truly ME here.

No more humidity!!!

Thursday, September 28, 2017

The humidity FINALLY broke!!!  I walked out of work today to a sunny, breezy, ABSOLUTELY beautiful day!!!

Work was busy again, but again, not crazy.  I finished the night/morning with a Pyxis training class and then stayed to chat with my fellow co-night-supervisor to catch up on all the gossip!!  I was home by about 10 am.  A quick breakfast and chat with my sweetie and then I was off to bed for my “nap.” 🙂

Up by 4 pm.  I tossed and turned a bit so I’m really hoping I’ll be able to take a nap tonight (not having high hopes since I’ve been unsuccessful for the past two nights!

Tacos for dinner.  Funny story.  I started making the meal…put the pan of water on to heat for the rice, turned the oven on for the shells, started cutting the lettuce and tomatoes…everything is coming together nicely…and then when the shells come out of the oven and I’m thinking of the next step (filling the shells!) I’m like…”DUH…I NEVER made the taco “meat”!!!!”  Kimm and I were laughing hysterically!!  So Kimm suggested making the tacos with black beans and so I did…and I’m SO GLAD I did…they were the bomb.  SO tasty.  I just rinsed off a can of black beans, added them into a pan with a splash of water and a sprinkle of taco seasoning and then cooked until the water had absorbed…done in less than five minutes and SO incredibly tasty!!!  We finished the night off with a gelato cone 🙂

Relaxing after dinner…I read and Facebooked.  Now the blog.

Plans for the rest of the evening…dishes, going through a few more books (DO YOU BRING ME JOY???), shower and nap.  Last night on.

Looking forward to our plans for the weekend…pumpkins and mums!!!!  FALL DECORATING here we come 🙂

Meditations from the Mat (Day 271)…

~~life force is ubiquitous and inexhaustible…nothing is impossible for those who have it

~~the root of pranayama is prana or life force…what we call a miracle is often simply the presence of a little extra prana

~~it is up to each of us to make proper use of the prana available to us…most of us have been unconsciously minimizing the amount of prana we channel into our lives because we are afraid of what we might do with all that life force if we had it…this is why surrender to goodness is so important…once we surrender, we can get on with the business of being MAGNIFICENT, trusting that we will be guided by a higher power along the way

~~as we practice pranayama we are learning to open up our energy channels

Things making me happy today: my work family, lack of humidity — a beautiful breezy day, black bean tacos, relaxing after dinner, watching Kimm read, hot showers!!


Wednesday, September 27, 2017

I’m doing it.  I’m blogging today.  I had gotten out of the habit of it, and thus, like most things in life, easier not done than done.

But today, resuming.

I worked last night.  First of three on.  It was a busy night.  Lots of little things that kept me busy, not anything crazy but just a lot, one thing right after another.  I was happy to leave.  One thing I did learn through one of the unit managers is that they are trying to cut things to meet budget criteria.  We shall see what that means in real life (i.e., for me, how it affects staffing, or what I consider to be SAFE staffing).  I still have to meet with the new director of nursing (while I was on vacation I believe all the other supervisors had an individual meeting).  I hope that goes well.

Home to see my sweetie.  BEST part of my day.  I spent a bit unwinding and chatting with her while having breakfast and then it was time to head up to bed for my day time nap!

I slept pretty good.

During the day our gas meter got changed (I guess it has to be changed every seven years).  Kimm was here for that.  Now we are set for another seven years.  Kimm also logged a bunch of books that we are getting rid of.  I’m “Marie Kondo-ing” (organizing the Marie Kondo way…meaning, following the advice of the author of “The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up”).  I’m up to books (got through clothes on Monday).  Books are much more difficult for me.  I went through some yesterday and have more to go through.  The underlying criteria…”Does this spark JOY?”  Still difficult for me to get rid of books!  I will attack it again tonight.

Dinner was yummy…homemade pizza.  Followed by pumpkin cheesecake ice cream, a limited batch edition of Ben and Jerry’s….VERY good.  All while watching Person of Interest.

Dishes done.  Izzy out (still incredibly humid out). Oh which, by the way, Izzy is on her new antibiotic now…the one for the tic born infection.  Hopefully it will help her limping around.  Right now she just finished her ball and is spread out resting on the floor…SO ADORABLE.

I’m on for two more nights.  Now for shower and a nap (hopefully!!)

Meditations from the Mat (Day 270)…

~~”The goal cannot be anything apart from the Self, nor can it be something gained afresh.  If that were so, such a goal cannot be abiding and permanent.  What appears anew will also disappear.  The goal must be eternal and within.  Find it within yourself.” — Ramana Maharshi

Things making me happy today: one day of work done!, AC in the car driving home, chocolate cashew milk, homemade pizza, pumpkin cheesecake ice cream

Biopsy done…

Wednesday, September 13, 2017

First of all, Izzy made it through her biopsy with flying colors!!

Second of all, only TWO more working days until VACATION 🙂

Okay, now for a more detailed recap…

Work was pretty good…busy night at the hospital…many admissions…but the night was easier for me because I was on with my co-overnight-supervisor (first time in a long time).  I left at 7:45 am in order to be home on time to drive Izzy to the Vet ER for her scheduled drop off of 9 am.

It was a beautiful morning drive…lots of fog…clear and crisp and sunny.  Izzy looked happy, smelling the fresh breeze, but the closer we got to the place, the more restless she became.  Well, after we got her out of the car we figured out why….she had POOPED in the car…AGAIN!!! We’re not sure WHY she did this…the antibiotics??  Nerves??  Needless to say, it was all over her leash and she had stepped in it so it involved getting her paws wiped off and her leash wiped down.  What a way to start the morning!!

After that, she was dropped off … SAD FACE … and we headed back home.  We both had breakfast (and boy is it STRANGE to not have Izzy there to lick the peanut butter and jelly off the utensils…).

Then I headed to bed!

When I woke up, Izzy was home!!  Kimm said the doctor called about 11 am and said she was done with the biopsy and they would call when she was ready to be picked up…which was around 1 pm.

Izzy’s been a little dopey but not too bad.  She was given some pain medication (Tramadol) which she has had one dose.  Her eyes are all big and dilated and weepy like before.  She’s slower to move than normal.  She did get to play with her ball a little but not too much….she’s not supposed to have too much activity today.  Everything can go back to normal tomorrow.   I’m hoping she’ll be herself 100% tomorrow!

The results from the biopsy were sent out and we should hear from them by Monday.  So now just fingers crossed that the lump is benign.

Homemade pizza for dinner…yumm.

Plans for the rest of the night…making chocolate chip cookies for book club tomorrow 🙂

And then the usual…dishes, shower, nap.

Again….only TWO MORE DAYS until vacation!!

Meditations from the Mat (Day 256)…

~~the limbs of tapas, or ACTION, bind us to the moment

~~the yamas do away with those negative actions that create remorse about the past or fear about the future

~~the niyamas take the energy freed up by the yamas and channel it into actions that promote health in ourselves

~~the asana teach us to stay with the matter at hand

~~pranayama trains the mind to concentrate on one point

~~consistent practice of these four limbs teaches us to LIVE IN THE MOMENT

~~a simple way to get started is to focus on your breath…it is not about retreating from the stress of everyday life but of embracing our reality with all our heart

Things making me happy today: Izzy got through her biopsy with no issues!, starting Season 3 of Person of Interest, making chocolate chip cookies, only TWO MORE DAYS until vacation 🙂

Getting ready for the last stretch…

Tuesday, September 12, 2017

Tonight starts my last three night stretch before our fall vacation 🙂


It turned out to be a warm one today…reached the low 80s.  Indian summer at its best.

My day…

…breakfast and reading

…chatted with my parents

…caught up some on reading and writing blogs

…grocery store

…quesadillas for dinner

…finished Season Two of Person of Interest!!!

I’m hoping tonight at work is not too bad.  I will be on with my co-overnight-supervisor.  We have not seen each other in quite a while so I’m sure we’ll have to catch up on all the gossip 🙂  And tomorrow morning we drop Izzy off to get her lump biopsied.

Meditations from the Mat (Day 255)…

~~the science of yogic breathing trains the mind in one-pointed concentration while radically improving our ability to accrue, store, regulate, and use the energy we receive from the air we breathe

~~pay attention to your breath while practicing asana…your breath should be calm and deliberate, but flowing without force or effort…breathing in and out through the nose, let there be a PAUSE after the inhalation, and a PAUSE after the exhalation…if this becomes difficult, just stop and breathe freely…begin again when it is possible to do so without difficulty

~~observe the effect this measured breathing has on your physical and emotional experience

Things making me happy today: knowing I only have THREE more working days until vacation!!!, grocery shopping with Kimm, catching up with my parents, freshly painted nails

Feeling exhausted.

Sunday, September 10, 2017

WHEW.  I made it through my week of working extra.  But I am EXHAUSTED.

I don’t know what it is, but just working that one extra day during the week really IS a lot.  It probably didn’t help that I was there late several days.  At least the paycheck will be nice!

I do have to say that today was pretty much disappointing when it came down to food choices.  When I left work this morning, the supervisor who took over for me asked if Kimm and I were going out for breakfast since she was picking me up (she had dropped me off the night before because of Burlesque…which was an EXCELLENT show!)  I hadn’t really thought about it, but it sounded like a good idea and so I mentioned it to Kimm after I got in the car.  She also thought it was a good idea, so we decided to go local and close to home…Main Street Grille in Agawam…we had went there once during our last vacation and thought it was pretty good.  NOT TODAY.  We both ordered the veggie omelet again, which comes with home fries and toast (of which Kimm got rye and I substituted a pancake).  We both agreed the home fries were awful…undercooked and with some spicy seasoning that was not on them last time…my pancake was just fair and there was no REAL maple syrup and I’m finding that I really just prefer that to the sickly sweet non-real type, the omelets were fair as well…Kimm’s had the taste of bacon and mine just tasted blah…so overall we were unsatisfied and agreed that we would probably NOT go there again in the future…sorry local diner!

Then for dinner I mentioned getting pizza out from Nicky’s because we were going to be busy Monday morning with Izzy’s appointment in Windsor so it would be nice to just come home and heat up the leftover pizza for lunch.  We decided to get the large salad for the side because we have not been happy with the fried mac and cheese bites lately.   Well, the salad was larger than the small, but the toppings were not that much more…only 6 small pickles, some green pepper, tomatoes, and onion…but mostly just lettuce…AND they did not give you an extra dressing!!!!  So I doctored mine up with some croutons and our dressing, but it was just fair.  And the pizza was just fair too!!!  I don’t know, just not as good as it has been in the past…I think they use a lower quality mozz cheese and their sauce is blah.  BIG disappointment.  Seriously.

So we spent money to eat food that we didn’t really care for.  HATE when that happens.

The rest of the night was a big bunch of nothing.  I was so tired that I basically napped on the couch until bed time.  Poor Kimm…not much of a first night off with me!

Hopefully I’ll have more energy in the morning…

Meditations from the Mat (Day 253)…

~~if you are struggling with your yoga, have FAITH…it will get easier with time

Things making me happy today:  getting done with my long week of work!, getting picked up from work by my sweetie (with coffee!!), low-key night, napping 🙂

Back to Burlesque…

Saturday, September 9, 2017

Wow, what a night at work.  I didn’t end up leaving until about 9:30 am which was way later than I wanted to, but I had to follow up with a threat to an employee that had happened the night before (long story short I ended up writing up an incident report, speaking to the VP of HR and having to call and place an employee on paid suspension pending further investigation).  All in all, it was a good learning experience for me, but just a lot of documentation.  I was VERY glad to leave.

Sleep for a bit and then up early because we were going to a Burlesque show that night.  We have not been to one in almost a year!  But there were some performers that we were excited to see, and even though it was happening on a night that I had to work, we really wanted to go.  Thankfully the supervisor who works during the day agreed to stay until 11 pm so I could stay for the entire show!

So that’s what is on the agenda for tonight…Burlesque and then my last night of work.

Here’s hoping that tonight is an easier night.

Meditations from the Mat (Day 252)…

~~”In life we must learn not only how to live, but how to die as well.” — Seneca

~~there is a cycle of life, death and rebirth that happens many times within a single lifetime

~~we may invest days, months, or years in a moment, and then that moment passes and we must be willing to let it go, so as to be able to embrace the next moment

~~a study on longevity showed that the common thread among those who live long is their ability to endure loss

~~this is the lesson of shavasana…we embrace a moment with all we have and when the moment is over we step back and let go

Things making me happy today: climbing into bed after a long night at work, Burlesque!!, knowing I only have one more night to work before TWO off!!!

Getting stuff done.

Friday, September 8, 2017

Today was about getting some stuff DONE.

What did I do?

~~changed over the sheets

~~washed the sheets

~~cleaned the tub

~~washed the animal bowls

~~wiped down the appliances

~~finance meeting

~~and of course…WORK

SIGH.  Sometimes writing down the things that you did makes it seem like LESS got done than you initially thought.  Oh well…I know that I got a lot done FOR ME on a day that I had to go in to work.  Little by little, it all gets done!

Meditations from the Mat (Day 251)…

~~”Observe the wonders as they occur around you. Don’t claim them.  Feel the artistry moving through, and be silent.” — The Prophet Muhammad

Things making me happy today: getting the sheets changed and the tub cleaned, feeling accomplished, knowing I only have to work for two days, a nap before work, reading


Dentist and vet.

Thursday, September 7, 2017

My one full day off was pretty busy.

Up by 8 am by Izzy…breakfast and reading at the table…shower and a good teeth cleaning because I had a dentist appointment scheduled!…out the door by ten of noon for my dentist appointment.

I was SO glad to get to the dentist because it had been quite a while…my last cleaning had to be canceled because I had made it during the time that I was going home to visit my family in May…and then there was such a time delay in getting another appointment…nothing available until September!  So my teeth were due for a good cleaning.  And I wanted to find out if I had a cavity developing because of the tooth sensitivity I was feeling on the right side of my mouth.

Well, the cleaning went pretty well even though the older I get the worse the cleanings become…I think my teeth/gums are just more sensitive!  But I was glad to get it done and the good news is that I do NOT have a cavity!!!!!!  My hygienist told me that I have what is called root hypersensitivity which basically means that my roots are extra sensitive to hot/cold/sweet.  She said it can come and go.  I am going to treat with a sensitive toothpaste.  She also put a coating of flouride varnish on to coat the gums…there is some recession along the gum line and the flouride varnish creates a coating that protects the roots from heat/cold/sweet.  Once she paints it on, the saliva in the mouth hardens it and it can last for up to three months…best part…NO CHARGE!!!

Home for a quick lunch.

And then it was time to take Izzy in for her yearly vet appointment.  We were anxious to speak to the vet about her because of all these UTIs she keeps getting!!  She actually drew some blood to check everything out.  Turns out that her kidneys are fine (YAY!!), her blood sugar is good (so no diabetes…YAY!!!!), but that her platelets were low and she tested positive for ehrlichia canis, a tick born disease (this can cause platelets to be low).  She is going to put Izzy on ANOTHER antibiotic for this because she is symptomatic (the low platelets and her right front leg is weak and sometimes gives out on her….also a symptom of the E. canis).  This second antibiotic can only start AFTER the one she is on now…so once she finishes this three week antibiotic, then she will be on another one for FOUR weeks.  Our poor babe!  She was also started on a probiotic to protect her gut from all these anitbiotics.  The vet also recommended an abdominal ultrasound and internal medicine consult for Izzy to determine why she keeps getting all these UTIs.  She mentioned that sometimes the anatomy of an older female dog can trap urine, so for now we are going to try wiping her “lady parts” once a day.  Oh dog, good thing we love you 🙂

This was truly a lot of information to take in at one time so when we left Kimm was feeling very overwhelmed.  And I don’t blame her.  Wow…all of a sudden so much going on with Izzy.

When we got home I volunteered to call to see about pricing for the ultrasound/consult and to see when we could get her in.  I called the ER vet in Deerfield…they would not be able to get her in until Oct 31st…WHAT!!   And the cost for the consult was going to be around $160, the ultrasound around $500 to 800, depending on if they had to sedate her.  Then I called the ER vet in Windsor and the consult there was only $139, with the ultrasound anywhere from $400 to 800, again depending on whether they needed to sedate her.  Plus they could get her in on Monday!   And the appointment was going to be with a doctor that took care of Midnight, Kimm’s parents cat that passed away.  Kimm’s mom had only good things to say about this doctor so that eased our minds a bit.  I set up the appointment for Monday, Sept 11th…on her birthday…what a birthday treat 😦

And after that we just relaxed for the rest of the night.  Ate dinner, had some porch time, watched a show and basically vegged!!  I’m crossing my fingers that the appointment on Monday will give us some answers.

Meditation from the Mat (Day 250)…

~~”You realize that from the beginningless beginning you have been complete and whole as you are.  And this supreme truth is the most difficult for us to swallow.  There is nothing to be attained.” — Zen master Dennis Genpo Merzel

~~in shavasana we encounter non-doing…we embrace being

~~we oppose the goal-driven striving of the Western world with deep stillness

Things making me happy today: FULL day off!!, finally getting my teeth cleaned AND hearing NO cavities!!, porch time, getting to go to bed at night 🙂